Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Failed It: Homemade Almond Butter

You've seen the pins.  I have too.  They're beautiful.  Creamy, delicious almond butter "so easy a 2 year old can make it".  Well ... I guess I'm only 18 months old cuz this fell apart.  Literally.  I fell apart.

So, after seeing these pins hereherehere (oh, and also here), I thought it couldn't be that hard.  This many people wouldn't be posting about it if it wasn't doable.  We keep raw unsalted almonds on deck at our house because we need healthy snacks so I don't drown my emotions in Trolli Sour Gummi Worms.

Enter my Memorial Day morning.  And all afternoon.  And the beginning of the evening.

After my blender fiasco of having a blender explode on me and have frozen berries stain our white cabinets >:( I very calmly threw the old blender out the window and immediately called my husband and told him we would be purchasing another one.  I really reeeeeeaaaallllly wanted the Vitamix, but we didn't have $400 laying around even though we're ballers.  (<---That's a lie.  We aren't ballers.  We're newlyweds.)  So after mucho research, I decided to go with the Ninja even though I had my reservations about it since they have their own (ridiculous) infomercial.  Whatever.  It was at Target and we had giftcards which made it about free.99 which I always love.

We got the Ninja that also comes with 2 single serve smoothie cups as well as a food processor since I'm starting to process more foods.  All you have to do is put these in a blender.  I read some things that said it was a test of patience and I'm all, "whatevs. I got this".

Freaking LOL.  So 10 minutes in, I got a bunch of powder.  Which is what I was told would happen.  Okay, that's fine.  Scrape it down the sides and start again.  Another 10 minutes in, I got a bunch of powder.  Mmmmmk...Starting to get a little worried but still it all says "you will  think you've done something wrong but the magic will soon happen when the almonds release their oils".  Okay, I thought.  Just gotta let the little buddies release their oils.  JUST LET GO LITTLE OILS!  So this time, I turned the food processor on again, took my little man out for a walk around the block for about 10 minutes because his ears were hurting I could tell from the loudness and came back.  I GOT  A BUNCH OF POWDER.  And the base of my Ninja was literally so hot I could barely touch it.  Which, again, it said may happen.

Well, since we just bought the thing, I was a little less worried about it because it's still within the 30 days at Target and it came with a year warranty.  But I did give it a break.  Watched a recorded TV show for about 45 minutes.  Then went at at it again.

This time, I switched it out to a small food processor....for a second, because the minute I turned it on, the plastic piece that controls the blade broke clean off.  OMG.  I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!

So, I put it in the blender attachment of the Ninja instead of the food processor attachment.  Instantly, it got a little more "creamy".   YAY!  I should have done this the whole time.  So at this point, I started adding the salt and honey to sweeten it up.  And turned the blender on for about 15 more minutes and walked away.  Came nothing any different than when I'd left it.

By now it's lunch time and I'd started this around 9:30.  Seriously.  I timed all this.  So I decided to give the Ninja another break while my husband went and got Moe's for lunch since it was our "cheat (on your healthy eating, not your spouse) day".

Came back.  Put the almond "stuff" back in the food processor and turned it on it's lowest setting.  Maybe it was spinning too fast.  About 20 minutes of letting that sit, I furiously said "FORGET IT I'LL JUST BUY IT" ... turned it off, let the smoke dissipate from the heat of my Ninja (seriously, it was smoking), and threw it all away.  But not before I tasted it and snapped a couple of pictures with my phone.  The taste was mealy and not at ALL creamy goodness.  I was livid.  I'd literally spent all day to get this:

I know what you're thinking.  That doesn't look bad!  Which is why I took this picture:

To me that looks like this brown sugar body scrub I got from my best friend one time.  Ugh.

Literally HOURS of work later, a smoky Ninja (that does still work PS), and a broken mini food processor and all I ended up with was 2 cups of (freaking expensive) almonds in the trashcan.


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